Posts from — March 2005
Last night while surfing through channels on TV I chanced upon SeaBiscuit. Its a movie about a horse. Though would watch for sometime and then go to sleep but landed up watching it right to the end. It brought back so many memories. The story was about SeaBiscuit a horse, and how he changed peoples lives. How even though he is small and unlikely to win, he wins. It wasn’t really the storyline but everything else in the movie. The people, the horses, the places.
It all brought back memories of my childhood. I grew up in the racecourse. Riding horses, feeding them, talking to them. Summer holidays were special coz I would wake up at 6 and go with Papji to the racecourse to watch the horses workout. Get petted and pampered by the other trainers, jockeys and all the others there. Have breakfast in the canteen there with all the grown-ups and listen to them talk horses. All the other holidays we got were special too. In Dassera we would go to Mysore and in summer it was Ooty, the rest of the year was Madras. All these places we could go for the races. Bet on horses for small amounts of money, run around, meet people and horses, it was an amazing time. I loved these places coz the race course was off grounds for me in Bangalore and I wanted to spend as much time as possible in the race course. The smell of horses, the sound of their hooves, the hustle and bustle. I dreamt of growing up to be a jockey when I was a child. Maybe coz I idolized my Dad and wanted to be just like him. Maybe coz the racecourse was home to me and I wanted to be there.
SeaBiscuit also brought back memories of my Dad, how can it not, the racecourse and my Dad are associated together for me. I look up to him so much, always wanted to be like him. His son was what I wanted to be. Wished all my life that I was a boy then I could be just like my Dad. But that wasn’t necessary I still am just like him, stubborn, very ethical, always using the right path, innocent, going out my way to help people and all. And if this was not enough, am a trainer too just like my Dad – he trained horses, I train people. Always wanted to be in the saddle, so now I ride – not horses but bikes. Well yeah I am my Papaji’s son, just like he said.
I miss him alot too. There is so much I will never be able to do with him. People seem to take their parents for granted most of the time but its only when their not there that you feel the importance. I will not be given in marriage by my Dad. He’s not there to run back to and say I can’t handle this, help me. My kids will never know what its like to have a Nanu (Granddad) like I did. I miss sitting at his feet and just feeling secure. There is so much that goes with parents, I remember him everytime I see kids with their Dads or someone talks about their father. Just wish people would value them while they are there. Tell them how much they mean while they are still alive. I don’t miss an oppurtinity now to tell my Mom how much I love her. There is nothing in the world more beauitful then the look on her face then.
Life does not stop coz someones gone. My Papaji knows how much I love him today. I tell him often.
Ok have drifted away from the topic quite alot, not unusual for me. What I started out to write about was my childhood, racecourses and horses. And how the movie SeaBiscuit made me see some of my troubles in life in better light. They don’t seem so big now. They can be sorted and its never too late to do something. Just that you don’t give up, listen to your heart and do it the right way. Thats all that matters, coz only that will lead to satisfaction and happiness.
March 18, 2005 1 Comment
Just feeling so low today. Writing helps me with feeling better so thought would just write. Most of what will follow will not make sense. Wonder if its even worth reading.
Somehow seems like am lost in this melee of life. Just so lost. Have a job that people would call good, but would I say the same? To me work is something I enjoy and am happy with but lately am not happy. Its no more about the work but the money and that to me is not satisfying. Somehow feel empty. I used to love what I did so why the sudden change? Or is it sudden? What is it that leaves me unhappy about what am doing? Should I look for something else that I enjoy? Something am happy doing? These and many more questions are plagueing my mind.
I used to love my work. I guess back then I was recognised for it too. Somewhere along the way I have just become another worker and no more someone who makes a difference. I do my work as and when am told to but its all not inspiring anymore. Have worked here for 3+ years now and am quite senior in experience but I don’t figure anywhere in core discussions or decisions. People who have far less experience do that now. Yeah it maybe a bit of ego but is that all it is? Yeah I know that some of it is my fault but is it always about the way you are or does even how you work count. Does your being good at what you do count? I guess its just that I feel left out and lonely or is it just that?
Another job is a possiblility but then is it so easy to move? Will I be happy there and for how long? How do I choose what I want? What about money? There is so much that goes into it.
Am wondering if am even leading a life worth living. Feel as if I have done all I wanted to and now its time to leave. There is nothing am looking forward to. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could completely lean on, rely on. Just be able to say I don’t wanna work anymore so am gonna sit at home. But thats not possible. It just feels so lonely sometimes. Ever felt lonely in a crowd of people you know? Thats the feeling. Feel so lost and alone.
Ok enough of this rambling of a crazy mind… or is it crazy?
March 16, 2005 No Comments