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Posts from — October 2004

The search is on…

The search is on…

Love is a four letter word, simple to spell, easy to say, its just one syllable and yet is such a complicated word. Its unexplainable, inexpressible, so situational, constantly changing, transforming and still it changes and moves the world. The meaning and understanding changing with the years. Always to suit the requirement of that age and person.

In school love was messages on torn slips of paper, chits passed along benches. Whispering when he passed by, silly promises, flowery letters and candy.

In college it took a different turn, it was in the look, the silent blush and sigh, the hide and seek of the eyes. Promises for ever, being together every available minute. Sleepless nights and days filled with waiting. Long letters filled with anguish brought on by the distance, hours on the phone and of course flowers and chocolates.

And today its transformed again. It’s a silent look and simple smile. Sms and emails. Spending hours on the phone one day and then not speaking for days. Knowing you come second and being ok with it. Being a friend all time and lover sometimes. Not demanding but understanding and being there. Not expecting but accepting.

All this is the same, all of it is love and yet it is different. I’ve been searching since time in memorial, looking around hoping to find someone who felt the same. But there is that fear too, what if ‘love’ changed again or he came but came too late… and yet hope springs eternal… maybe I will find him when ‘love’ feels the same for both of us… maybe just maybe he’s feeling it too… And all I have to do is keep searching…

(So what do u think… height of joblessness I say…)

October 29, 2004   1 Comment

Even rebels get lonely sometimes…

Even rebels get lonely sometimes…

Was just standing the other day and watching the world. It seemed like everyone had someone they related to, not that I don’t but it was just that the people they related to were around them, close at hand. Like minded people who could spend time together, people on the same wavelength and somehow I felt left out. Now, don’t get me wrong, its not that I don’t have friends or acquaintances, its just that I am on so different a band-width. I wish I could sometimes speak the same language they do, say the things they do, live the same life, dream the same dream, just be one of them and yet I can’t. I walk a different path with no destination at all, I dream dreams that they would shun, live a life all my own, speak a language they can’t comprehend, visualize what they can’t even imagine. Yes, I am a rebel and may be I am beyond their understanding but can’t rebels be lonely too, sometimes…

October 29, 2004   No Comments

My Favourites…

My Favourite Books…

Gone with the wind

Far pavillions

One flew over the cockoo’s nest

To kill a mocking bird

Bridget Jone’s Diary and The edge of reason

Catch 22

Pillars of the earth

Bridge across forever



A time to kill


My Favourite Movies…


The object of my affection



Khatta Meetha

My Favourite Songs…

Annie’s song – John Denver

Nothing else matters – Metallica

In the end – Linkin park

Aniron (The council of Elrond) – Enya

May it be – Enya

October 28, 2004   2 Comments

Shamz Weekend In Bangalore 23 – 24 October 2004

Friday 22nd October 2004

Shamsher was to come down from Madras (I absolutely refuse to call it anything else) for the weekend and we had been planing about this trip for sometime. Had been thinking for a week about where to take him . Finally had a list and then sat figuring which places he would like to see and whether we could go there and get back in a day. Finally had it down to Sawan Durga, Nandi Hills, Bheemeshwari (the Cavery stretch) and Shivsamudram. Now all that was left was for him to get here and decide what he wanted to see.

Friday came and I recieved his sms at 9:30 am saying he had just left. That to me meant he would be here in about 4 or 5 hours and I had still loads of work to finish. Had to be done with all the weekend house work (you can’t imagine how much it actually is, especially if you do it only on one day in the week), then had to finish with my mandatory weekly visit to my Mom’s house. Finally left from my place at about 11 am headed to Mom’s when I remembered that I needed to fill oil in my bike. Reached Mom’s place said Hi and headed towards the mech to get oil filled and a check up done. With that done and my mind at peace headed back to Mom’s as she had some work for me to do. Pallavi then called asking me to drop by her place on the way. So headed there in a hurry as it was already 12:30 and Shamsher might call anytime. Got home about 1:30 pm and he still hadn’t called, was starting to wonder if all was ok. Then thought would wait for some more time and then call myself. As it was had just lost my phone on Wednesday so had not access to make out going calls and was using Mom’s number to recieve in coming calls. Anyway had some more work to finish so headed out to the store to pick up water as we were out of drinking water. On the way back he called saying he had reached Bangalore and would take sometime to get to Indiranagar. Finally picked him up at about 5pm from outside UTI ATM on 100 ft. road.

Once home we decided that we would just chill at home as he was quite tired after the ride. So made some tea and we sat down to talk. Was surprising how much we had to talk about. Hadn’t known him for very long and had met him just once before this but you know sometimes you meet people in your life for the first time and it seems like you’ve known them forever. At about 9 pm we decided to walk down and pick up dinner and some Coke to go along with my Old Monk. Was surprised to know that he was a vegetarian, had assumed otherwise after all he was a Sardar. Anyway after that initial shock it seemed quite a nice choice he had made, wouldn’t be able to do that myself. Was telling him about that one time in my life when I took a vow to not eat meat for a month and how much of a torture it was. Anyway picked up Butter Paneer Masala and Tandoor Roti’s for him and Biryani Rice for me and headed back home to start drinking.

The drinking (finished off half a bottle) and talking session went on till 3 am as both of us weren’t sleepy. As it is I suffer from insomnia and so sleep really late. Finally decided to sleep coz we had to be up early to head out to Nandi Hills the next day.

Saturday 23rd October 2004

We woke up late on in the morning. Had set the alarm for 6:30 am but when I woke up and called out to Shamsher all I got as a reply was Hummm… so thought would let him sleep some more. Went back to sleep only to be woken by the maid asking what time she should come the next day and whether she could get a salary advance. Acted as communication medium for her and Rupal (my roomie) and only landed up getting scolded for waking her up (actually she scolded me and told me to scold the maid in turn). Then went back to sleep again and woke up at 8:30am. Woke up Shamsher and we had tea. Finally headed out to Nandi Hills at 9:30am.

Reached Nandi Hills and he recognised alot of points and places that he had seen in my snaps. We climbed up the hill and parked the bike. There was a lot of crowd so decided not to go into Nandi Hills proper. Stood for sometime and enjoyed being that high up, seeing all the tiny houses and cars. Took some snaps and then we decided to head back down. Were quite surprised when the parking attendent said that parking charge was Rs. 15 and entry in Nandi Hills was just Rs.3. So we said we would go to the counter and clarify. When we came back the attendent didn’t ask anything, my guess is that he had noticed Army written on Shamshers number plate. We just left quitely coz didn’t want to remind him and also we had found out that what he was saying was true.

We had noticed that the chain was making noise on low gears and had thought it was coz some of the teeth of the spocket had gone and chain was loose. But then on the way back near the Hebbal flyover the sound increased and we stopped to check. We found that the chain link had broken so we settle down to fix it. After quite some acrobatics we managed to fix it and headed home.

We got home ravenous and so first thing we did was heat up the night before’s food (we hadn’t eaten it as we weren’t hungry) and tucked in. Shamsher then headed out to find a mech and get his bike checked. He got back home in about 45 min and was just in time to have tea. Rupal then headed back to work and we settled down to start our talking session again.

After sometime we thought we would go out, so off we went to my favourite place ‘Road Trip’. Sat there talking and drooling over some bike magazines along with beer and Cheese Fritters. Finally got two bottles parcelled and headed back home. Left the bottles there and took off again to show Shamsher ITPL (my work place). Had dinner at Forks and Spoons as that was the only place open in ITPL and Shamsher had Veg. noodles and Gobi Manchurian Masala as he likes Chinese food. I wasn’t very hungry. The food was quite a disappointment (what do u expect if a Mallu cooks Chinese).

Then headed back to start drinking again. Got home and sat down with Rupal to drink but this time we slept early as the next day was the Bheemeshwari and Shivsamudram trip. Early was I think about 1 am.

Sunday 24th October 2004

We did wake up early the next day at about 7am. Ok ok agreed wasn’t early but it was early by our standards. Left home at about 8 after having tea and cheese toast (bless Rupal) and headed out towards Kanakpura. Bike was handling well after Muneer Mechs administrations. Took the ring road to Koramangala and then had to ask for directions to JP Nagar. Soon found our selves on the Kanakpura NH7. Super road, have always loved state highways. This may not be one but it still is quite a small highway and has some lovely bends. It reminded me of the time I travelled on this road on the way to Harihara for the Soligere trek. My one and only trek to date. Well am a biking person and had spent the entire trek passionately telling people how simply superb it would be to come here on a bike.

Anyway went past Kanakpura and decided not to stop as both of us were not hungry. So took the Bheemeshwari and Shivsamudram diversion and kept on riding. Oh yeah forgot, filled tank up at Kanakpura (Shamsher suspected that the petrol was mixed). We took a left at Halagur (I think) towards Bheemeshwari. The road here wasn’t good but patches of it were really nice. Past some quaint villages. After alot of convincing I decided to ride for sometime. The first short ride was ok, was fun to see the reactions of the villagers though Shamz got to enjoy more of it as I was concentrating on the road. He said one kid even said Good Job or something. Then the bad patches started again and so handed over the bike. The next good stretch I was riding again but then as it was Shamz brakes were not so good or atleast so I thought and before I knew it we were at another bad stretch and to make it worse it was a steep down hill curve. Tried to stop and almost fell, was very embarassing. We decided to stop for sometime and see the river curving its way down in the valley before heading down.

Lovely place to camp was our conclusion. We then headed down and the roads got better. The road along the river is an awesome stretch, sometimes all you see is water and sometimes the river hides behind a wall of green. We found a quite place and decided to take a break after all the weather was great, it was almost noon and we need to stretch. The place we found had a family having a picnic a little way ahead but we found this tree that was by the water and at some point of time must have had its roots underwater. Anyway it was like a cradle so we made ourselves comfortable. I got busy as usual with my camera and Shamsher took a nap. It was a nice place and so we stayed there for quite sometime. How I wished I had a tent and could stay here for sometime. We finally left at 2:30 pm.

Headed back up and went on towards Shivsamudram. Took the left at Malvalli towards the Hydro-electric power station. Me I was constantly consulting my Outlook Traveller. We reached Gagana chukki and were quite dismayed to see the crowds. Had a Nharial Pani and bought a bic packet and then headed down in search of a quiter place. We went quite close to the falls and found this grass bank just by where the water was falling. So like a ritual I took out my camera and Shamz curled up to sleep. It felt really nice to be sitting there under a fine spray.

We left there at about 5:30pm and headed back. On the way Shamz stopped to change his spark plug and then we started off again. Towards twilight we got hit by these tiny missile insects. Shamz wore his helmet visor down but since i hadn’t been hit yet I left the visor up and then one of them hit me straight in the eye. It hurts like hell… had watering eyes for quite sometime. Finally felt that it was ok I wasn’t gonna go blind. Anyway lesson learnt – to keep visor down and listen when your told something.

We reached Bangalore at 7:30pm and then got completely lost at the flyover near dairy circle. Finally reached home at 8:30pm and had a good laugh about how I didn’t get lost at all on the highway but got lost in my city only. Freshened up and then Shamz told me that my skin over the cheek bones was a rosy red like kids in Darjeeling. Went to see myself in the mirror and laughed for a good 5 min. Sat down to relax for sometime and then headed out for dinner.

Decided to go to Shiok (next to CMH road Citibank) as had been there a few days back and had liked the food. Had Mea Goreng and some veg dish (can’t remember) and then thought would go for a short ride but within 5min of that ride came to the conclusion that we were too tired and so headed back.

Went to sleep quite early.

Monday 25th October 2004

We woke up at about 10am and I started to get ready to go to work and Shamz started to pack. we left home together at 11:30am. Me for work and he was headed to his friends place and then Madras.

At about 4:30pm when I took a break I saw that it was pouring and I just remembered that Shamsher had told me, he had got caught in the rain on the way here from Madras and I was hoping he hadn’t got caught in the rain again when he called saying he was just about to leave and was waiting for the rain to stop. So we talked and finally decided that he should leave only the next day. So I decided to leave from work early and we would meet up and do something in the evening.

Left work at 7:30pm and met up only to hear the story of how he had just missed an accident but had managed to bend his crash guard and the front mud guard had got pushed back. anyway since the mud guard could not be fixed with out a spanner, his friend took his bike and we took his friends 500cc. Must say the 500cc feels very different. I know it should but I guess over the weekend had got used to Shamz bike.

Anyway got home only to realize that there was no electricity so sat talking in candle light for sometime. Then thought that we would have dinner at Herbs and Spices but it was closed so then called Mamatha for advise and headed to Mandarin. Had a good dinner of Tom Yam soup, American Chopsuey and Cauliflower Manchurian. At about this time Mom called to say I had forgotten to pick up the bag she sent from my cousin at work so we headed back to ITPL and picked up the bag. Shamz then headed back to his friends place at about 12:30am.

He left quite early the next day and reached Madras about noon.

And here is the link to the snaps I took…

October 27, 2004   2 Comments

Ok, lets start with some of my favourite poems…

Sea-Fever – John Masefield.

I MUST down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea’s face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again to the vagrant gypsy life.
To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

The Road Not Taken – Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening – Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Riders – Robert Frost

The surest thing there is is we are riders,
And though none too successful at it, guiders,
Through everything presented, land and tide
And now the very air, of what we ride.

What is this talked-of mystery of birth
But being mounted bareback on the earth?
We can just see the infant up astride,
His small fist buried in the bushy hide.

There is our wildest mount–a headless horse.
But though it runs unbridled off its course,
And all our blandishments would seem defied,
We have ideas yet that we haven’t tried.

The Second Coming – Willaim Butler Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Leisure – William Henry Davies

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

The Highwayman – Alfred Noyes

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight, over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding-
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

He’d a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

And dark in the old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord’s daughter,
The landlord’s red-lipped daughter,
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say-

“One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I’m after a prize to-night,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way.”

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair i’ the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
(Oh, sweet black waves in the moonlight!)
Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight, and galloped away to the West.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
And out o’ the tawny sunset, before the rise o’ the moon,
When the road was a gipsy’s ribbon, looping the purple moor,
A red-coat troop came marching-
King George’s men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
There was death at every window;
And hell at one dark window;
For Bess could see, through the casement, the road that he would ride.

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
They bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
“Now keep good watch!” and they kissed her.
She heard the dead man say-
Look for me by moonlight;
Watch for me by moonlight;
I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till here fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by likeyears,
Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one figure touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
For the road lay bare in the moonlight;
Blank and bare in the moonlight;
And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love’s refrain.

Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;
Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding,
Riding, riding!
The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still!

Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight,
Her musket shattered the moonlight,
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him-with her death.

He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o’er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
The landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs i’ the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
When they shot him down on the highway,
Down like a dog on the highway,
And he lay in his blood on the highway, with a bunch of lace at his throat.

And still on a winter’s night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
A highwayman comes riding-
A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
And he taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord’s black-eyed daughter,
Bess, the landlord’s daughter,
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

October 27, 2004   1 Comment

I love you and yet…

I love you, yet
I cannot tell you
Its not that I don’t know
Its just that I can’t say

Those three magic words
They mean so much
They hold the world in them
And yet we do not say them

Why do we use so many words
Why do we say so much
Why do we hide so much
When just three little words would suffice

Three little words that
Are nothing by themselves
But when put together
They make the world go around.

I know all this
And yet I hesitate
What do I fear so much
And is this really fear.

No, I know I love you
And that’s above all else
I know I must tell you
That I love you and yet…

October 24, 2004   No Comments

Let me be…

Let me live my life
my life is mine, is it not
then why do I need to
even ask you

why is it that you
must know all I do
why the people I meet
must be your choice
am I not entitled to
make my own choices

why must the man I love
be approved by you
is it me or you
who’s gonna live with him
why must you interfere
let us figure out our lives ourselves

he needs to understand me
and I need to understand him
and in all this there is nothing
at all for you to understand
why don’t you just
leave us alone.

its my life
and I wanna
live it my way
so just
let me be…

October 23, 2004   No Comments

I loved you enough to let you go…

You didn’t look back
just walked away,
had tears in my eyes but
had to smile and say goodbye.

How was it so easy for you
to just let it all go,
What did you see in her
that wasn’t in me…

One look in her eyes
and you forgot all about me
teach me this trick my sweet
it may dull some of the pain.

What happened to those promises
all those dreams I saw with you
where did they all go
can one touch of someone else scatter them so.

Was my love so feeble and weak
where did I go wrong
what is it that I did not do
what is it that she gave you?

Do you not feel my pain
did you not hear my heart break
how was it so easy for you to say
that your in love with someone else.

You asked me if it was ok
if I’d be fine
if it would take too much time
to forget that once you were mine.

What could I say
but just smile
and hide all the hurt
I felt inside.

But nothing would help
you had decided to leave
no matter what I said or felt
you just had to go.

So I just smiled
like I accepted it all
just lowered my eyes
and let you go.

But I loved you
loved you enough
to let you go…

October 22, 2004   No Comments